update.

We still own our red couch, but this time we now have a kid to enjoy it with us.  He is really cute, and decided to decorate it with his bodily fluids like a boss (pronounced BAWSS).

My heart is forever changed now that I have become a mother; I have accomplished the greatest thing that I will ever accomplish short of praying my family into heaven.

The most wonderful thing that happened to us

It's not entirely evident in that photo, but me and the hubby made a pretty freaking cute baby if I do say so myself. And I do.

Red Couch

I'm back again, one month later.  Yes, my husband is away.  I'm beginning to see a small pattern with this blogging.  Gilmore Girls has been playing all night, and my project that I was working on last time I posted is still in the works.

14 bins WAS a lot of bins, and hubster has been great about taking in all my junk and helping me organize it so that I can eventually get rid of it.  We now have a book shelf for my beloved books ad photo albums, and it all looks pretty great.  The living room is becoming a home.

The same is happening to my email inbox, bills, and laundry.  Gosh, I sound so old typing this.  The reality is that my Fridays have become my day to get away from the world, sleep off my tiredness, do projects that I've been wanting to do, and do all those household chores that I wish I had the daylight for during the week.

Me with my jolly nephew at his 1st birthday party

As I sit on my beloved new little red couch that we found at the ReStore, I'm relishing this moment.  I'm in our little one-bedroom apartment, full of books, love, art, and stories from our relatively new life.  It seems like I've been here forever, but I really haven't.  It's so difficult to imagine life before marriage, and I think that's a pretty neat phenomenon.

Meanwhile, life is passing.  Babies are turning one, couples are getting engaged and married, and brothers are growing up.  Friends are moving, and music on the radio is changing.  God bless this gift of time that I'm relishing at the moment.

~Esa Cita

friday night project time

It's a Friday night, and my husband's asleep in bed.  The headache monster got him, so I'm left alone to my personal project of the night: spring cleaning, the big project after taxes and insurance (I am soooooooooo OLD!).

My parents had recently come to visit last month, leaving me with the rest of my belongings: over 14 bins of books, notes, and files upon files.  Me, being the sentimental sap, over-zealous note-taker, and hopeless learner that I am, currently own many things.  That's very unfortunate when one desires to live simply and to have the freedom to pick up and move wherever, whenever.

My resolutions for this year have become very much about detaching myself from my stuff, and getting basic.  For me, that is very difficult.  Why I place goals like that on my self, I will never know.

I have found letters that I never finished (or sent), life and missionary notes from years past, and many letters from loved ones, reminding me that I have the worst memory of reality.  I truly live in my head.

It's getting late.  I should go to bed, but I detest unfinished projects no matter huge they are, so this will be a difficult choice.  Especially when they are huge, because they are lofty projects.

Time to let go, and to trust that He has a plan for my projects.

~Esa Cita

P.S. I got married, and my whole life is different and awesome.

And then we were touched by Jesus

I thought I was gonna have a cutesy girl-date kind of day with my dear friend from out of town.  Fortunately, I was wrong.

We had a scone and Swiss coffee at a nearby shop that I had never been to before.  I was impressed, and we had a fantastic time.  We left about 25 minutes early for daily Mass, and I was impressed again.  We got on the highway, and did not have a fantastic time.

While we were on the highway, the two cars in front of us got into a dangerous wreck of an accident.  I felt a sense of peace as I maneuvered, and our car avoided the accident ever-so-slightly.  After the adrenaline left me, my heart began beating fast and the reality of the situation came over me: we were almost in a dangerous car accident. 

As we waited for the police to come, we watched the situation play out from our car on the side of the highway.  An ambulance came within the minute, and the riders of both involved cars were given medical care on-site.  We waited for the police for about thirty minutes, and realized that we wouldn't make it on time for Mass.  Once we finished giving our witness to the police, we were able to leave.  We decided that we would head to the church anyways, in order to pray a rosary for all those involved in the accident.  

We finally arrived at the church parking lot.  I parked the car nervously, and was happy to be outside of a running car.  We walked up to the church.  I shared with my friend that the love of my life grew up in this parish, and she smiled.

We walked into the church, and sat in the back.  As it turns out, we came into the church with five minutes left of Mass.  I realized that Jesus was present, right then and there, to all of us in the room.  At that point, my whole day froze.  I realized that every second of today was, in fact, timed perfectly.  Behold, the Lamb of God.  Behold Him who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb.  Everything that happened today was a preparation for this moment before My Sweet Lord.

Sabrina and I got down on our knees and responded, "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter into my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed." (Matthew 8:8) I walked down the aisle from the back of the church just as I will one day with a white dress on November 22nd.  I proclaimed, Amen, and then, I received My Lord and My God.

After Mass, we walked up to the front of the church by the altar.  There, my future Maid of Honor and I prayed a rosary where I will be married in just about five months and two days (but who's counting..!).

The reality was that we were touched by Jesus.  Truly touched.  Our days were a bit shaken, and there was nothing better than to kneel before Him, recieve Him, and praise Him.  Short of loving Him with my whole life, that's what I've been made for.  I remembered that my life was given to me today, just as it is each and every morning that I wake up.  Why do I not sing every morning instead of  glare at my multiple alarms and the sun, which I enjoy so much when combined with sea water, salt, and sand?

Later on that afternoon, another dear friend called to share with me that one of her family members is now dancing with the angels in heaven.  I was moved to goosebumps just through speaking with her.  I'm pretty sure I heard  peaceful, beautiful music playing from her heart when I learned about how she and her family have been responding to the death and new life of their beloved family member.  Jesus was there, kissing their family as they bid farewell.

It's all about Jesus.  Always was, and always will be.  Each soul has been made for and is infinitely loved by its' Creator.  It's all about Jesus.

Today was not cutesy. Today was a song of joy; a peaceful, profound kind of joy not to be confused with cheeriness, or them bouncy little sugarplum fairies. 

Thank you, Jesus, for today.

~Esa Cita

Pride-slappin' Time

It's newsletter night for Cita, which means that every person whom is the reason why I can be a missionary will receive some lovin' from me.

Every time I complete a newsletter for the quarter, I am filled with a big sense of gratitude and tend to come to an embarrassing realization that Jesus really wants to take care of the mission that I'm on.  It's not my effort of fundraising my salary, and it's not my efforts with any of the students that I work with.  It's my heart, soul, mind, and body that's being used, yes; but, I have absolutely nothing to do with this all.  I am not my own, and it's a terrifying thing to realize for a proud soul like mine.

Okay, it's time to sign a bunch of newsletter and cry tears of gratitude for all of my mission partners.

~Esa Cita

Sappy

Tonight, for fun, I was browsing the internet for fantastic words written by an awesome person.  I decided to follow G.K. Chesterton for a little bit.  I came upon his marriage proposal to his wife, Frances.  I don't know why I did that because from now on there are no proposals that can compare with this man's talent with words.

Here are the final three paragraphs; they almost had me in tears.  What a romantic.

“But the second time he went there he was plumped down on a sofa beside a being of whom he had a vague impression that brown hair grew at intervals all down her like a caterpillar. Once in the course of conversation she looked straight at him and he said to himself as plainly as if he had read it in a book: ‘If I had anything to do with this girl I should go on my knees to her: if I spoke with her she would never deceive me: if I depended on her she would never deny me: if I loved her she would never play with me: if I trusted her she would never go back on me: if I remembered her she would never forget me. I may never see her again. Goodbye.’ It was all said in a flash: but it was all said….

“Two years, as they say in the playbills, is supposed to elapse. And here is the subject of this memoir sitting on a balcony above the sea. The time, evening. He is thinking of the whole bewildering record of which the foregoing is a brief outline: he sees how far he has gone wrong and how idle and wasteful and wicked he has often been: how miserably unfitted he is for what he is called upon to be. Let him now declare it and hereafter for ever hold his peace.

“But there are four lamps of thanksgiving always before him. The first is for his creation out of the same earth with such a woman as you. The second is that he has not, with all his faults, ‘gone after strange women.’ You cannot think how a man’s self restraint is rewarded in this. The third is that he has tried to love everything alive: a dim preparation for loving you. And the fourth is – but no words can express that. Here ends my previous existence. Take it: it led me to you.”

Okay, time to get back to reality and stop sapping my heart of its energy.

~Esa Cita

Late night findings

I am currently listening to OneRepulic's new album, and OH, how marvelous it is! As I listen to my favorite (...and only) boyfriend's favorite band, I am reminded of God's loving plan for my life all along.  Every once in a while, I like to get all sappy and think about the journey that He laid out for me.  It's truly an adventure and a joy; nothing can describe Jesus' plans for us like a gift or a dance.

Family Christmas Photo?

Tonight, I had one last dinner with the family before we drive off to Kentucky on Saturday morning so that I can begin another missionary year at UK.  Where this summer has gone I don't know, but I do know that this is a pretty fun and fast life these days.

Blessings from the summer:
May: my "dating fast" ended.  Arrived in VA. Left for Florida.
June: FOCUS New Staff Training in Florida.
July: Left Florida for VA. Family Vacation in North Carolina. Fundraising. Wedding in Cincinnati. Fundraising. Begin 33-day consecration to the Triumph of the Immaculate Heart of Mary: get mind, heart, and soul blown away.
August: Fundraising. About to leave for Kentucky.

Lately, I've been asking God to tell me just WHO I am.  Sound funny? That's because I'm funny like that. I've been getting some really touching answers.  There have been a ton of "oh yeah, that was true all along and I didn't even think about that" moments.  I plan on continuing in my question-asking.  What a dance.

Time for some prayin, journaling, and bed.

Good night, world; stay beautiful.

~Esa Cita

From a lady that caught my attention this summer:
My child, do you see, there is only One; it is He, the Only Truth! Ah, He fascinates, He sweeps you away; under His gaze the horizon becomes so beautiful, so vast, so luminous… My dear one, do you want to turn with me towards this sublime Ideal? It is no fiction but a reality. 
-Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity

This summer

You've got the battle wounds, sweet little soldier.  Soak up the salt of the ocean on those scars, and let the sea remind you that you're still Daddy's beautiful little girl.  The wind will pass on through, and the waves will make you dance with the sea gulls, and maybe with a sting ray or a brother or two.  Summertime has made it's way once again into your life and it's time to let it all heal.  There's nothing better than the innocent bliss of the wise ocean.   Here's a wave and here's a story, I'll throw you some words and a prayer and a story; there's a person behind all this healing.

God, our hearts, and the sea: three inexhaustibles.  No surfer in history has ever been heard to say: "Now I've had enough of waves."  No lover will ever say, "Now I've had enough of her."  And no saint will ever say, "Now I've had enough of God." -Peter Kreeft

~Esa Cita

The Call for Ayuda

I've heard it said (by a fantastic father) that saints have saints for friends.  The statement makes sense: St Francis Xavier and St. Ignatius,  St. Clare and St. Francis, St. Ambrose and St. Augustine; they all had each other, they all lent a helping hand to get the other into heaven.

There was a long-run ramification from their friendship.  They all had short-term thing-a-ma-bobbers that tickled their fancy at one point in their lives.  But, when it came to the real stuff, when it came to the current state of their soul, when it came to who they were and who they were called to become, it was that heavenly friendship that helped lead them home to eternal joy.

Perhaps Ignatius was annoyed by the crazy party-boy Xavier,
but shoot mayne, he loved the kid.

Maybe Ambrose wanted to punch Augustine in the face like he was Santa Clause,
but shoot mayne, he wanted that man in heaven.

We are social creatures with social tendencies and social desires.  That's why peer pressure is a big deal.  That's why the day when I can see that myself and another have befriended each other into the place that which our souls love will be one of the best days of my short time on this little earth.  To love another like myself, oh what a joy!

On that note, I would like to switch the subject matter of what I really wanted to say.

My friend, Ruth from The Itchy Scapular, has lots of words up her sleeve.  Combining words into a beautiful harmony of sass, love, and joy are her forte, and the long-run makes her happy.  She likes the long-run instead of the short-run; she's the long-run's biggest fan.

I am a fan of her long-term happiness.  I just like it a whole lot.  I also like practicing the art of combining vowels with consonants in the hopes of making dreams come true and laughs ring through.  Oh Itchy Scapular, where have you gone?

Write me some words, inspire me some more.  Give this world some of your fresh air to hoard.  (Just kidding, I'll share.  Not hoard.)

Saints have saints for friends.  Bloggers have bloggers for friends.  I want to be a saint and a blogger, won't you please help me out?

The journey to the road

I'm currently sitting at my parent's dining room table, surrounded by a (nearly completed) project that took me about a month and quite a few dollars to finish.  For the past hour, Pandora has been playing the perfect songs for me to listen to, and I'm asking Jesus for the strength and desire to return to Kentucky after such a nice time visiting friends, mission partners, and family.

In twenty-four hours, I'll be back in the land of excellent coffee-shops and conversation.  But for now, I'm celebrating Wegmans' pizza and college friendships, and I'm smiling at these two paragraphs from a G.K. Chesterton essay I found on a friend's coffee-table this evening.

A correspondent has written me an able and interesting letter in the matter of some allusions of mine to the subject of communal kitchens. He defends communal kitchens very lucidly from the standpoint of the calculating collectivist; but, like many of his school, he cannot apparently grasp that there is another test of the whole matter, with which such calculation has nothing at all to do. He knows it would be cheaper if a number of us ate at the same time, so as to use the same table. So it would. It would also be cheaper if a number of us slept at different times, so as to use the same pair of trousers. But the question is not how cheap are we buying a thing, but what are we buying? It is cheap to own a slave. And it is cheaper still to be a slave.

My correspondent also says that the habit of dining out in restaurants, etc., is growing. So, I believe, is the habit of committing suicide. I do not desire to connect the two facts together. It seems fairly clear that a man could not dine at a restaurant because he had just committed suicide; and it would be extreme, perhaps, to suggest that he commits suicide because he has just dined at a restaurant. But the two cases, when put side by side, are enough to indicate the falsity and poltroonery of this eternal modern argument from what is in fashion. The question for brave men is not whether a certain thing is increasing; the question is whether we are increasing it. I dine very often in restaurants because the nature of my trade makes it convenient: but if I thought that by dining in restaurants I was working for the creation of communal meals, I would never enter a restaurant again; I would carry bread and cheese in my pocket or eat chocolate out of automatic machines. For the personal element in some things is sacred. I heard Mr. Will Crooks put it perfectly the other day: "The most sacred thing is to be able to shut your own door."

Kind of a nerdy thing to giggle at, but I find this man's passionate usage of words quite charming and refreshing.

Back to laundry, packing up a car, and possibly sleeping. ;)

~Esa Cita

Cast away that despair produced by the realization of your weakness. It's true: financially you are a zero, and socially another zero, and another in virtues, and another in talents... But to the left of these zeros is Christ. And what an immeasurable figure it turns out to be! -St. Josemaria Escriva

Home Sweet Virginia

It's been twenty-four hours since I arrived at my parents' house in Virginia, and within this time I have:

-gone to Mass, prayed
-gotten coffee with a good friend
-done arts and crafts with a good friend
-colored with my brother
-did work with my brother
-told friends that I was in town
-ate my first family dinner in months

-went to a surprise birthday party, saw lots of old friends

-saw Lauren Murray ♥

It's been so great to be back. Tomorrow, my brother Ricky arrives from the Air Force Academy and the whole clan will be reunited finally!

~Esa Cita

A night for letters and travels

I sit here with my little pink laptop, signing a bunch of letters and listening to a movie in the background. Memories of a time long ago are coming back, and I am reminded of my imminent journey next week to my "hometown" of Northern Virginia.  It's been a while, and I do miss my ole' snobby-yet-familiar stomping grounds.  DC chillin'.  A year ago today, I was making plans to go to Boston, and today I made some to get back home.  Tomorrow, I will be in Nashville, listening to awesome music, and I won't have a care in the world.

Beer, water, coffee, pecan pie, guava, and Cuban crackers accompanied my real dinner tonight as I've been watching movies, reading letters, and gazing at old photos.  I'm digging the neat things that people collect during a short lifetime, and am realizing just how fast the time is passing these days.  Soon enough, I'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with a bunch of Cubans and I'll be surrounded by little people.

But for now, I'll wait...

As if I was waiting at a restaurant.

One time, my girl, Brooke Fraser, wrote a song called Love is Waiting. Maybe I should remember that in a special way this coming week.

~Esa Cita

Missing you

Dear Blog,

I've been missing you. I don't really have much more time that I will be on posting, but I wanted to share a little quote that was placed on my heart today.

[Christ] “intercedes for us, otherwise I should despair. My weaknesses are many and grave, many and grave indeed, but more abundant still is your medicine. We might have thought that your word was far distant from union with man, and so we might have despaired of ourselves, if this Word had not become flesh and dwelt among us.” -St. Augustine

That's what I think is marvelous.


~Esa Cita

Paternal Unit-Favorite Version

~Texting with my Dad~

Me: Who's picking me up from the airport?
Dada: Your favorite father deluxe.
Me: Excellent. Carry on, sir.
Dada: Outstanding.

Galaxies

Tonight, my dear friend whom I affectionately call Kay Kay is sleeping over.  The next morning, we're heading off to Maryland to drop me off at the airport where I will fly to North Carolina, then Florida!

I've missed my dear Florida, so this will be a fabulous adventure.   When I first came to the U.S. as an infant, I lived in Niceville, Florida for two years after a 5-week stay in Alabama.  Yes, it's called Niceville, and my neighbors were very nice. 

Despite its lovliness, I can't wait to get out of dear 'Ole Virginia, the place for lovers.  It's been about five weeks here, and I haven't gone far since I stayed in Illinois five weeks ago.

Sad thing today: I will bid farewell to my boyfriend after we both get off from work.  I won't see him until Thanksgiving, so that's not too cool.  I refuse to do anything silly like sob or say sappy things...that would just be embarrassing. 

Okay, back to cleaning, letter-writing, and doing things today.


~Esa Cita

Warrior Princess Mode

A love stronger than death.

I've always been a Warrior Princess from the day I was born.  Between being the daughter of a Colonel in the Air Force/black belt in Tae Kwon Do/All-Air Force Wrestler, having five ridiculous brothers, and from playing soccer and war with all my cool homeschool dude friends, there was just no way that dresses and and pink could ever compare to the romantic dreams of one day being a flight nurse, rescuing soldiers on the battlefield and then getting shot in the leg from enemy fire as a I pulled a dying soldier into safety.

The funny thing about being a Warrior Princess is that despite the inner tendency to fight, be dramatic, and be tough, there is that extreme sensitivity and royalty that comes with the Princess part.


You get your own room when you're a princess.  You also never really are in grave danger nor are  totally alone despite your passionate and independent tendencies.  You have this ownership and royalty about you, deep inside your soul, one which isn't taken away by circumstance or societal status.  It's written inside of you, and civilization must flock to your standards.


My experience of being a woman has been one where there is a kind of power of being both a warrior and a princess.  I don't really know what it's like to be a man, but I've been told and have seen that it's very much one of awe from a woman's mystery and majesty.

When I was a toddler, I used to ask my Dad to give me a military haircut. I'm so glad now that my mom said no.

When I had crushes on boys, I played freeze tag and beat them to make sure that they were impressed by my stellar skills and pretty shirt.

When I wasn't allowed to go out, I climbed out of my window and jumped off the roof to "run away" ...for a 20-minute walk.

When I had my re-version back into having a deeper relationship with Jesus, it was a St. Ignatius kind of experience. Physical injury from a car accident leading to deep prayer life----yeah, budddyyyy.

When I began developing in my prayer life, Josemaria Escriva became my dude.You know, the guy who tells all his loved ones to suck it up and be a courageous lover of Christ. Sigh, what a stud.

Everything with me has been a battlefield, a dramatic and romantic dance, a roller-coaster passion of life.

That's a bit of why I really really like St. Cecilia.  She converted her husband on their wedding night, and they both died for the faith.  After bleeding for three days with huge slash of the sword on her neck, St. Cecilia died throwing up a sign for the Holy Trinity ("Three persons, One God").  This lady goes hard.  This lady means business: she's a true Warrior Princess.

Amen, alleluia.  I could only dream of one day being on that level of swag.

~Esa Cita

Woot

[insert self important voice here] So I haven't updated much at all lately.  Unfortunately, when you have an awesome life, you can't even properly order it so that you can make posting on your blog a priority. 

Hah, that's a lie.  Priorities are made just like choices are.

What's really true is that I've prioritized other things in my life, and that I look forward to changing my priorities at some point. I've been living in Illinois for the past five weeks at the University of Illinois, and oh gosh it's been the good life I tell you.

I don't often have extra time, but whenever I do, I get to do fun things like have great phone conversations with friends, write romantic letters to this cool guy I know, bask in the life of praying at least an hour and a half a day, the works, ya know. I'm currently training to be a Catholic missionary for FOCUS, the Fellowship of Catholic University Students. The experience is exhilarating to say the least, and I'm learning things about myself that I have never been able to figure out just by living here for five weeks.

Blah blah words.

Going to bed, good night.

~Esa Cita

P.S. An example of what every morning is like for me.

GLOA

You know you're a global affairs major when....

Your new job description is written to include the international community.

:)

~Esa Cita

Complaining

Sometimes, you just wanna complain your afternoon away.

You stayed up really late last night taking care of that fiscal responsibility, and as a result want to start blabbing about that terrible headache you received from the torture.

Maybe you could complain that you have too much work to do for the rest of your life as an adult, and that this is on a dreadfully tight schedule.

Maybe you could complain about the fact that you lost your appetite and that people don't know how to give directions.

Maybe you could complain about your pillow's lack of puffiness, about the fact that two 3-4 hour classes a day are tons of important information to process, or about the fact that you decided to stop complaining for five weeks...and that it's difficult.

Maybe, you could complain about how sometimes you don't spell your own name correctly in cursive. (An awkward reality for..some people)

Sometimes, you just wanna complain.

The sad thing is this:

You forget that you're good-looking, you forget that you're charming.  You forget that you're among the wealthiest persons that ever existed in the history of the world.  Please see George Mason economics professors for details.

Most importantly,you forget that you not only know who you are, but you know where you came from.  You forget that you're just a small part of history...a part where the love story ended happily ever after, a story that already has been won,

So, yes. You have a hilarious life.

Sometimes guys that you have a crush on write articles promoting your ridiculousness.

 Sometimes, they even join you in your ridiculousness if they have a crush on you too.

You go on cool roadtrips,

You meet local celebrities,

And your friends go get baptized into the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church because the Holy Spirit decided to work through friendships, just as he did in the Roman Empire.

But even more than the good looks,
more than your mother's blunt comments that make your day,
and more than your ridiculous brothers' music videos,
You have been saved, loved infinitely, and as a result nothing will ever be the same.

Salvation History tells us that we have every reason to be joyful.

Also, some really cool guy said that Joy might not seem to rank up there too high in the pantheon of Christian virtues, but a Christian without joy is an oxymoron. Look it up, dear fan of complaining, and fear not.

There's a world full of troubles and reasons to advocate complaining, but there's over thousands of souls that are eternal, which is greater than any temporary pain or comfort.


Wanna see a lady that did it all? Here ya go.

And what is the secret of perseverance? Love. Fall in Love, and you will not leave him.
-San Josemaria Escriva, The Way (999)
 
It's a love story,  I better learn to say and live out "yes."

~Esa Cita

Closer to Love

When I came to you, brethren, I did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God in lofty words or wisdom.  For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.  And I was with you in weakness and in much fear and trembling; and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. Amen.

1 Corinthians 2:1-5

 

 ~Esa Cita