"My Life Is: Perfect. Even when it's not."
"Just Live with it, you're not any less a person that you were before."
I'm a sporty kind of girl who loves to jump around and be active and busy. Running, gymnastics-ing, dancing around, being involved in my community and saving the world...I love to be that do-it-all kind of person. The way I've run my life seems to have been run on adrenaline. Even with the smallest things in life that never get recognized, I have this motivation where I want to do it. It's just how I am.
About a month ago, someone asked me what I really wanted from God. At first, I started thinking about my day-to-day body functional wants. I want to have a fit and healthy body, I want perfect grades in hopes of a good job and future some day, I wanted the obvious. But then she pointed out something important to me: that's all stuff that we would like to have but not exactly what our souls might be yearning for..which at first made me think "well what else do I ask for other than that?!?!?!"
Then I got it.
Peace. Peace in my life is what I wanted. Peace in my soul. Peace so I could be one with Him. Then I started crying because I knew that I've been losing myself to business. I'm the teenage version of the workaholic and I'm not even legally allowed to drink in the United States.
I was given the opportunity for this peace a little over 24 hours later.
The next day, I was in a random car accident. My car got totaled, and I got a back spasm. At first, I didn't feel any pain....I was still running on my adrenaline and worried about getting paperwork filled out, trying to comfort my friends, calling my mom, and pulling my economics books and backpack out of my car...
As the hours progressed, I began to feel more pain. In the ambulance on the way to the ER, I was stuck in thought. I just could not believe that with everything I had to do that night, I had to put everything aside for this. I was supposed to speak at a meeting, I was supposed to attend another meeting afterward. I was supposed to study for my ECON quiz the next day. As I looked down at the stretcher, I saw my books by my feet and almost started bursting with laughter. There I was, laying on a stretcher, and I was worrying about stupid little ECON quiz.
After this, I wasn't the same. I had to quit doing so many things, and at first I hated it. I like to be busy because it fills me up, and without my fillers to keep busy, I started feeling terrible. Luckily, God really likes to make things easy for me. I knew I had prayer....I knew that no matter happened, I still had Him around. It would be on the loneliest of nights and frustrating of days where I knew that I had something beautiful. I had the best thing that could ever come into this earth in my life. I turned from looking miserable and gross from my accident to a different, peaceful kind of joy. Someone told me that I looked way better....and if only they could understand that it's not that my backs getting better, but that it's something else.
So my backs been taking a while to get better, and I still am in pain everyday. I often wonder when I'll be able to handle a stressful situation or sneeze again without hurting, or even more importantly...to RUNagain! I can't wait to go running and play sports again. That's been my life, and I miss it so much. However, I'm in a good place right now. There's a joy that I believe is deeper, and I believe is stronger than my physical needs and wants right now. I hope to one day not be like my mom, but for now I'm having to live my life like her and deal. I'm changing, and I like it. Peaceful. Being an old workaholic sucks.
So I can say now that: My Life is perfect, even though it's not.
I am learning to just live with it. And it's getting pretty good.
Good-night....picnic tomorrow afternoon, I'm hoping for a lovely day. :)
~Esa Cita
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