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Hey worldddddd
It's been a while.

I'm trapped at home with this snowstorm of the century for the DC/Maryland/Virginia area...

The trapped-ness has made me quite bored and lazy. And not to mention thoughtful.


You're my dirty little secret that no one knows. You're the truth that no one can understand. You're the liar that I just can't trust. You're the fool that just won't get it; that will be the death of me one day.

Not yet

Searching for meaning, looking for satisfaction.
What is there to do that would fill the empty space?
I'm searching here, I'm searching there, I just can't seem to find it.

You're there, I just know it. You're laughing at my run. I cannot seem to grab it. I must be missing something.

Thoughts

You don't need things people or organizations to make you. You need something greater. Those are the objects that you use to get to greatness and to make wonderful things happen, but let them take over you life and you will become a slave to it. Use them to bring good, don't let them use you and run you.

The Awakening Cita

It's gotten to that point in my life where I just won't deal with any more games that people throw at me anymore.

It's not that I don't care and that I'm evil and that all of the sudden I'm a super tough and heartless soul..... it's just that I don't really have the time anymore to be letting myself become emotionally affected by people's actions. I can't afford to let other people's games play with me....so I've become so much more tough and "untouchable." I ignore or push away or challenge or call out what seems wrong....even stronger than ever before. I do it how I do it and I do it everyday....

I should be packing now, but I feel like blogging.....yadayadablahblahblah

I've changed so much throughout high school, and these two years of college, it's crazy. So cool. And freaky. I'm going to be changing a lot more in the next week, I expect it.

Whatever happens, God will bless the broken road to lead me wherever I'm going... :)

I chose the picture "The Awakening Conscience" because it's what I feel best goes along with my life at this point. I awkwardly step out of wrong and awake from my blind sleep and act on my dreams, stepping off from sadness or obstacles that are bringing me down.

~Esa Cita

Something I Didn't Write

Here is a poem that my friend Jenny sent me last night. It captures what I've been feeling so perfectly. I don't know the author, and really wish that I did so that I could give them credit.

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are happy,
and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to live.

Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

Now you realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go,
you can.
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul.

And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be.

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor.

That is all. :)
I read this poem and tears were so close to coming, hah.

~Esa Cita

My Breast Friend :)

This is what my breast friend in the world wrote about me, I though I'd share :)

I haven't seen my best friend in nearly 4 years since she moved away. The distance has brought us closer than ever although it has been difficult. We aren't like usual friends, we really couldn't be if we're gonna be apart for so long and still be so close. We don't need to have an excuse to wanna talk to each other on the phone or anything important to talk about at all. At times we can call and just spend time together on the phone, and as silly as it sounds we can just be on the phone and not talk or say anything, just sit and write papers for class while singing the most random songs, watch movies or even comment on the breakfast being eaten with our mouths full. Many people would say how retarded it is to be on the phone for no reason, but in reality, many times there's no better place I'd rather be. She's coming down to Miami to visit in January. It has been quite the ordeal trying for plan it out. She's coming down for a retreat in Orlando and I had to find a friend to promise to drive up, get her and bring her here. Then I had to convince my parents to let her stay here at my house and I still have to book the flight for her return. It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg but I don't care and I can't think of a better use for my time and money. She's my best friend and I love her with all of my heart.

I love you Ana. :)

<3

Fall 2009

It's crazy.
This semester was going to be
the one where I was PERFECT.

I think I've become far from it, but now that I analyze the semester, I know that it's been a really tough one. Perfection doesn't come easily, in fact it hardly comes to people at all, but despite it all I know that it's all down to me in the end.

I cannot make excuses, because it's what I decided. J. Mill, the philosopher, would totally love me right now.

I'm proud of me this semester, yet down in the sense that I had to make some sacrifices.

I feel that I'm always going to be making even harder sacrifices as time moves on though. I think that's my lesson of the semester.

I started this semester with a bang: confident, happy, and motivated. I ended up coming out of the semester tougher, more confident, secure, tired, and still happy. I'm burnt out to the core, but I've learned to come up from even that. I'm so proud of myself for not giving up. I'm proud for throwing myself out there into uncertainty. I'm so glad that I came out of this semester with a stronger version of myself.

I don't think I really changed my personality, but I definitely changed in the way I advertise my personality. It used to be so much more difficult for others to see who "me" was because I didn't care how I looked or what others thought of me, and now I'm more aggressive and secure when I deal with others. My confidence has spread to more aspects of my life, and I can attack pressures so much better now. This will help me in time to come.

I'm excited for the rest of the year though. I can't wait to do more things. I can't wait for the rest of my life.

Thanksgiving break starts on Wednesday, and then it's finals time!!!! Crazy crazy. I GOT this, Cita will attack. :)

Now to attack IT assignments and Spanish work until Philosophy class....

~Esa Cita <3