Life. Perfection with the Daily

Me as a Superhero by Mo James

"My Life Is: Perfect. Even when it's not."

"Just Live with it, you're not any less a person that you were before."

I'm a sporty kind of girl who loves to jump around and be active and busy. Running, gymnastics-ing, dancing around, being involved in my community and saving the world...I love to be that do-it-all kind of person. The way I've run my life seems to have been run on adrenaline. Even with the smallest things in life that never get recognized, I have this motivation where I want to do it. It's just how I am.

About a month ago, someone asked me what I really wanted from God. At first, I started thinking about my day-to-day body functional wants. I want to have a fit and healthy body, I want perfect grades in hopes of a good job and future some day, I wanted the obvious. But then she pointed out something important to me: that's all stuff that we would like to have but not exactly what our souls might be yearning for..which at first made me think "well what else do I ask for other than that?!?!?!"

Then I got it.

Peace. Peace in my life is what I wanted. Peace in my soul. Peace so I could be one with Him. Then I started crying because I knew that I've been losing myself to business. I'm the teenage version of the workaholic and I'm not even legally allowed to drink in the United States.

I was given the opportunity for this peace a little over 24 hours later.

The next day, I was in a random car accident. My car got totaled, and I got a back spasm. At first, I didn't feel any pain....I was still running on my adrenaline and worried about getting paperwork filled out, trying to comfort my friends, calling my mom, and pulling my economics books and backpack out of my car...

As the hours progressed, I began to feel more pain. In the ambulance on the way to the ER, I was stuck in thought. I just could not believe that with everything I had to do that night, I had to put everything aside for this. I was supposed to speak at a meeting, I was supposed to attend another meeting afterward. I was supposed to study for my ECON quiz the next day. As I looked down at the stretcher, I saw my books by my feet and almost started bursting with laughter. There I was, laying on a stretcher, and I was worrying about stupid little ECON quiz.

After this, I wasn't the same. I had to quit doing so many things, and at first I hated it. I like to be busy because it fills me up, and without my fillers to keep busy, I started feeling terrible. Luckily, God really likes to make things easy for me. I knew I had prayer....I knew that no matter happened, I still had Him around. It would be on the loneliest of nights and frustrating of days where I knew that I had something beautiful. I had the best thing that could ever come into this earth in my life. I turned from looking miserable and gross from my accident to a different, peaceful kind of joy. Someone told me that I looked way better....and if only they could understand that it's not that my backs getting better, but that it's something else.

So my backs been taking a while to get better, and I still am in pain everyday. I often wonder when I'll be able to handle a stressful situation or sneeze again without hurting, or even more importantly...to RUNagain! I can't wait to go running and play sports again. That's been my life, and I miss it so much. However, I'm in a good place right now. There's a joy that I believe is deeper, and I believe is stronger than my physical needs and wants right now. I hope to one day not be like my mom, but for now I'm having to live my life like her and deal. I'm changing, and I like it. Peaceful. Being an old workaholic sucks.

So I can say now that: My Life is perfect, even though it's not.

I am learning to just live with it. And it's getting pretty good.

Good-night....picnic tomorrow afternoon, I'm hoping for a lovely day. :)

~Esa Cita

Just Being There

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a person is just be there. Whether it be on the phone, doing homework, or eating a meal..sharing time is caring.

As I type this, I am on the phone with my friend Ana. :)
We talk sporadically...a few words here, a few words there...and sometimes a monologue of blabber. Although she is not physically next to me it feels as though she is in the room, watching TV next to me. Oh, the power of technology. :)

Alright. That's all, goooooddddnighttty nightttt.


~Esa Cita

Easter Monday

Easter Monday, the next best day ever.

Well my friend from Miami left today for Miami, so the entire time that he has been in DC he didn't see me. Wah, "Dad." I miss you. Today I gave a presentation with my partners on how to bring about peace in Sri Lanka....I must say, our group did a pretty ballin' job. Also, I did a lovely paper to complement that presentation.

For a while now I've been contemplating stuff that has made me a bit sad. I need to make a decision on stuff and I haven't been very happy with it. I'm scared of being hated and such. It's bleh. I don't like to complain to people much, but I think my attitudes been showing in my blog. Anywayssss, today after all my classes I went to Adoration, and just let it outtttt. Ah I let Him have it....tears-wise. I cried and just begged the Trinity to give me a big bear hug. (Hugs always make me feel loved....so yes, I do ask for hugs from God)

So yeah, I ran to God and threw my problems and my broken heart out at Him. Ever since I got in an accident, I've been realizing what's really important to me..what really matters in the end. It's just me and God and all the saints around. It's just love. That's the peace I'm looking for, and I was scared of what to do. I begged for a sign on what to do. He's gonna give it to me, but not now...I will know what I need to when I need to. He told me I was His babygirl and that He didn't like seeing his Enibaby sad. That He wanted me to be happy and celebrate His resurrection and all the things in life that He's given me. So I'm gonna listen to Him. It's gonna be the best Easter week ever, and I can't wait for more life to enjoy.

Adoration is fun. Mucho fun. It fixes everything.

I've been on air all night and so happy even though my heads been hurting from the sad crying to comfort crying to happy crying. Booboo. Gooogooogahgah. I had to start singing when I got home cuz that's one of the ways I pray without boundaries and let it out....gah!

Today was a fairy tale. God's good. Really good.

Just had to let that out. K back to studying horrible diseases for international health exam 2! eeek. :)

~Esa Cita <3333

On that Easter Joy High

EASTER!!!!!!!!
Jesus is Risen! How exciting is that!!!

Last night, a couple of RCIA-ers became Catholic at the beautiful Easter Vigil Mass. I was bursting with smiles and tears and I watched everyone get baptized, say their "I Do's" to become Catholic, receive Communion, and get Confirmed. I have got to say, one of my favorite things about college is how the Catholic Campus Ministry knows how to get down and CELEBRATE the Resurrection. It's in the community that is on fire for God that I get to enjoy the communion of saints in the most physical way.... this is a taste of what heaven is going to be like...and this is a taste of what the saints in heaven are just dying for us to celebrate with them everyday in prayer!

It's in this that I consider it TOTALLY worth it to live everyday for His glory.



It's moments like this when I just can't wait to die and get to heaven, and I mean this in the most non-morbid way possible.

~Esa Cita

Homework, obviously.

We Danced Anyways - Deana Carter

Haven't heard this in about a year or two.

~Esa Cita

Fear. Bravery. Courage.

"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

Maybe that means that I need to stay strong, but that I need to quit a few things in order to get where I'm supposed to be. I need to trust that without these things I will be not only okay, but BETTER and ON FIRE.

Ahg. That's scary.

Ironic, we're supposed to just give up somethings.... because we don't stop believing that there is something worth waiting for. That we are supposed to trust that giving up on that something will bring something else. I look at missionaries that are assigned at my school....they're living off of self-fund-raised salaries because they believe that God provides them with people to help their rent, that's true trust. They reach out to scary places, and sacrifice their lives to be there for others. They scare me, they are intensely devoted in such a different way that society defines devotion.

People are scared, we are so scared to push ourselves into uncertainty. Even the people who are known to be brave and attack things and ever give up need to challenge themselves. My nickname, or "LKA" that my sorority gave me after I became a sister was "Braveheart." I jumped into uncertainty and attacked what I was challenged with. But.....I fear quitting. I'm a slave to never giving up. I motivate myself on fear. I need to challenge myself to let go of my motivations that are based on fear.


~Esa Cita

Strong

"How Strong Are You Now" -Rascal Flatts

Listening to it now for the first time, it's pretty sweet.

Good Stuff, good stuff.


~Esa Cita