All I heard was blah blah love blah..

Maybe it's the fact that today I watched the second-crappiest movie I've watched this year

I will admit that the fight scene is totally awesome.

 ...or maybe it's the fact that I've been going through all my belongings in preparation for a new stage in my life.  Maybe it's the fact that I have a meeting in the morning at 11:30AM, or perhaps it's because I ate five cookies, or perhaps because I went to Panera this morning.

The world will never know.

One thing is certiain: the past came back for a visit today.  Memories of the past few years came back, and I started thinking and asking myself questions.  Although I know the answer, I had to ask myself over and over again to make sure that I knew why things were the way that they are.  The female mind is funny like that---we like to be reassured; even by ourselves, if necessary.

The moment the credits came on the screen of my pink (pink!?!?!?) laptop, something changed.  I realized that everything was really different--and it really was real.  The same crappy movies no longer appeal to me as they did to my teenage almost-true beliefs on what love really is.  Don't get me wrong dear 18-year-old Cita with a broken heart, you were headed on a pretty stellar direction way back then...but you had lots to learn.

The same desires that I had during my first winter break of college no longer ring true at all during this break.  The same goals and aspirations for success? Nope, that's been changed once again after a year or two of searching.

Just to see that I wasn't dreaming, I went on my Facebook page to see what it could tell me about myself.  I am still Carmencita Garcia--this time, my last name has the accent on the letter I, something that always made me feel kinda cool especially since my middle name has that too.  I attended two high schools, graduated from one, held a job or two, interned at my dream internship, and majored in Global Affairs with a concentration in International Development.

From the looks of this Facebook page I am currently in a relationship with a good-looking individual who I befriended on weekend 1 of college.  He seems to be one of those really awesome people that make you think, "wow, that's one chill guy with a lot of common sense---I want to be his friend."  But that's just Facebook, who knows just what I am in real life.

A MySpace friend.

If you continue to read my page, you'll see that I now confidently consider my life to be not just any life, but the Good Life.  I also have a cute video of an overconfident child whom I consider to be my little man---that kid is probably my world and I may love him so so much.  But that's just Facebook, who knows what I am like in real life.  I also seem to be a fan of this thing called Love with a capital L and consider each day in which I live to be a blessing.  Now WHAT kind of hippy is this girl?  I bet she calls this "Love" -- her God.  Awk-ward.  Eh, that's just Facebook--they always say things like that.

But wait, this whole Facebook page looks like a bunch of internet remnants of a happy soul.  Quotes about seeking happiness, this quote about some adorable child needing to finish his dinner plate, and even some glorious stuff about suffering!  Additionally, there is no way she is actually related to a Colombian, two different types of Asians, and a Puerto Rican.  I mean, her profile says she's Cuban, dangit! Real Cubans like Jose Marti; she's definitely Cuban.  What a jokester.  Don't believe everything you read on the internet.

The truth of the matter is, things are not the same.  They are, in fact, very different.  I now sit in a painted (PAINTED?!?!?!) room, surrounded by photos of persons I love and overdue Christmas presents for souls whom I would not have met had I not encountered Love in a deeper and more personal way.  No, things are not the same.  I love it.

The truth of the matter is, I now am surrounded by a dream world that I almost don't recognize despite the fact that every piece is so wonderful and an integral part of who I am.  I almost don't recognize it because it is just so beautiful to me.  The truth of the matter is that life has never looked this peaceful and exciting since I grew out of playing War with the guys in good ole' Valdosta, Georgia.

I never dressed like that. Hats were for wimps, and pigtails were for little girls.

The credits came on the screen today and I saw that I am a different person.  While all along I was searching for the same thing that we all search for, the irony is that I don't want the same "things" that I listed on the seemingly universal search for truth.  I want (and wanted) what matters: love.  It seems like it looks so different despite the fact that it's all we search for in the end.  I still want it more than ever; but this time, I feel like Love found me and was like, "hey, this way okay ?" and then I was like..."oh, that makes a ton more sense.  Cool beans, now let me apply that to my day to day life."

I am a senior in her last semester of college.  I am preparing in a few ways that I can to enter into a new stage; the stage where I worry about where my address book is and if I have any stamps to send Amy a letter because I can't ask Mami to get me some this time.  I will also be forced to cook my own picadillo.  (Don't worry--today I bought an address book, the other day I wrote down the recipe, and this past summer I bought enough stamps to last me until today with some extra to spare.)

I'm preparing by learning what it means to love.  (I'm doing this so that one day when Lil' Wayne asks me how to love I can explain to him eloquently as to why that girl never really had luck and couldn't ever figure out how to love.)  As a self-proclaimed expert of maturity, I decided at a young age that I understood what love, sacrifice and giving meant.  Today, I realize that I understand more and I couldn't have been more funny (embarrassing) to watch from the sidelines.  It's like the blindfolded puppy following the voice that it recognizes and reaches with all it has to get to that familiar voice only to find out in the end that she took the really long way to get to the final destination.  Silly baby.

Disclaimer: Just because I posted a photo of a child does not mean that I consider children to be puppies.  Children are far better-looking and therefore superior.

I've done a lot of thinking about love and abandoning oneself with vulnerability when it comes to to what is next in life.  When I shared that back in November with a missionary who makes a living out of being vulnerable and loving, he laughed and told me it was just the beginning.  Silly adults.  Way to remind me that I'm a simple child in life.

As cliche as it goes, I know that this is only the beginning.  Though I am in shock of how much things have changed for me in the past three and a half years here in college, it probably does not compare to what's to come in the next few months, years, or even decades.

I have posted way more words than I've ever wanted to post.  Unfortunately, I've broken one of my new year's resolution tonight.  Unfortunately, I am now exhausted from thinking, dreaming, writing letters, and setting up things for my future.  Unfortunately, I have lost interest in wrapping my thoughts up in a cute conclusion that makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy.

But tonight, it's okay.  Because it's January 19, 2012 and I graduate in four months.  Because...I'm living happily ever after right now.

~Esa Cita